Moving was the Easy Part

I’m not cut out to be a missionary.

I’m so over this half-pioneer life; I miss America. I miss potable water straight from the tap. I miss my home being a safe haven, a private escape from the world. I miss TV. I miss dining out. I miss American church. I miss my car! I miss the freedom to wear whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want. I miss working out and being admired for it. I miss the casual life of America and the lack of formalities. I miss being a non-entity, being just one of the crowd instead of a sight to be gawked at because of my different looks. I miss the fairness of shopping in America, of not being ripped off merely because of my skin color. I miss being able to call my family at almost any time of day. I miss my friends and the fun we would have together.

I guess this is part of what Paul meant when he said “Everything that was to my gain I count loss for the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus.” Paul makes things sound so noble—as if he happily and easily accepted the death of his self, his desires, his comfort. After all, you can almost read him saying between the lines (and in some parts of the Bible, the lines actually say this!): what value do those tangible things have when compared to the intangible reality of Jesus?

What Paul fails to mention is how the tangible things grab, they linger, they are not easily forgotten, while the intangible are…well, intangible! Why is it that my brain screams for my five physical senses to be happy, while my heart yearns for my spiritual senses to be revived?

I don’t feel like I’m doing much for God, teaching Western kids, living in a mostly-Western house, surrounded by a bubble of Christian community. Moving to Africa as a missionary? If I had moved to the West Coast of America instead, I probably would be doing more evangelism than I am now. And I’d be comfortable too! Gee, God, I could have been more effective for You, and a lot happier for myself, if I’d stayed in America. What was the point of moving across the world if everyone here already knows You, and knows You deeply??

The answer comes daily, quiet but undeniable: You are here to learn My Presence. You are here to discover what it means to wait on Me. You are here to understand My Power, not your power.

Moving to Africa was the easy part. Living, truly living, in Africa—breathing in every moment as a gift, learning to thank God for hard days, humbling myself in a new culture, daily withheld from accustomed comforts, remembering that this is only a season—that’s the hard part.